How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the sh__ out of you.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
How can a woman tell she is ugly?
Men only want to play dress poker with her.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What�s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
How can you tell if a woman is really fat? Her front door has stretch marks.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
What's the best thing about oral sex from your wife?
Ten minutes of silence.
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.